Once again I'm up. I'm up through the night while everybody else is in that place of serenity and peace--I'm in pain and agony.
I long for the days of peace. The day I get to lay my head down and give my body a gift it hasn't received in months, maybe even years and that gift is REST! I long to wake up to the sound of an alarm clock and not the sounds of my own agony and despair which haunt me each and every morning. I long to be free from the paralyzing bolts that shoot through my legs keeping me prisoner to this bed, this room, this house.
These four walls are all I know anymore. I barely remembered what it felt like to breathe fresh air till I pushed myself and broke free from this prison of mine called Life. YES, air! Yes, civilization! Yes, a world not too far from my own yet light years away in the same instance.
These past weeks have been a dream. Breaking free from those four walls have freed something in me that was lost for a while. Yet I must be careful because this outside world is not my true reality. No, that room and all it encompasses seems to be calling out for me to return.
My spirit within me SCREAMS a resounding, No! No, I don't want to take up those shackles once again but I must. It's not a decision that I make but one my body makes for me and I must Listen! I must walk back into that house, that room. Back into that bed. Surrounded again by those four walls and I must take it. I must take what this life has called me daily to swallow and do it all over again.
Here I am back where I started.
You know it's lonely being the only one up throughout the night. No-one to talk to. No-one to laugh with. No-one to understand the depravity that comes with being born with this disease.