There are DaRk dAys!

         

I am so frustrated right now with everything. A lot of people say that I'm strong but the truth is-- That's not the case! God somehow gets me through each and every day!!! Though I push on in spite of the major hurdles before me there are moments of extreme weakness. The strongest of us aren't always strong 100% of the time!

There are days in which I CRY OUT to God for Mercy, for Help, for taking Away my sadness. I love this blog and I am grateful to all that take the time to read it but I'm always honest about what I go through. Though many of us are soldiers in this fight to stand up under the pain and anguish we endure there are those bad days. 

***I'm going to talk about those days. In spite of what I share I know with all my heart that God is taking care and Loving me through the fight.***

I get burnt out sometimes with always having to fight this horrible disease. I get angry that I can't be a normal person, living a normal life! I miss the days I could just go out and hang with some friends and talk about normal things having nothing to do with Sickle Cell. I Long for those days again. I get extremely sad that this is the life I've been called to. 

I don't want the pain, I don't want to think about whether or not my pain is bad enough for my doctors to allow me to go to the Hospital. I don't want to think of when I do go will they find a vein so I can get my meds before they finally give me a PICC line (A PICC line is, by definition and per its acronym, a peripherally inserted central catheter. It is long, slender, small, flexible tube that is inserted into a peripheral vein, typically in the upper arm, and advanced until the catheter tip terminates in a large vein in the chest near the heart to obtain intravenous access. It is similar to other central lines as it terminates into a large vessel near the heart. However, unlike other central lines, its point of entry is from the periphery of the body the extremities. And typically the upper arm is the area of choice (1)). I get sad and angry that there's nothing more that the doctors can do for me! I lay here in pain and my eyes fill up with tears due to the agony I'm in! As I type I can barely see the words I type before you. 

Huhhhh, it's not always Sunshine and Clouds! There are extreme storms that I think many of us with Sickle  Cell don't talk about enough because we don't want people to think of us as weak! The truth is we are all Weak. We just choose to be stronger. That doesn't mean that those dArK days don't come on occasion or for some of us more often than we'd like. 

***Know that the pain we go through is Extreme and Amazingly Tortuous!***

I don't want to be in this fight! I didn't piCk this fight. It was chosen for me. Since I'm here there is AbSolutely no way on God's Green earth that I won't fight till my dying day! We may look strong but we're strOng because we have to be! Honestly, what is the alternative? I know that there are many of you out there that have contacted me and shared with my about sadness/depression and the difficulties we face every single day with this horrible disease. Know that you are not alone!!!! The alternative only eats away at us making our pain worse in some cases because of the stress! 

I WILL NOT LET THIS DISEASE WIN! YOU SHOULDN'T LET THIS DISEASE WIN! We are truly in this fight together!!!

Know that you are not alone in this! We all have those days that drag us done because its just too much but there is light at the end of the tunnel! With this Blog and with my family I get to talk about my frustrations with this disease, DO the same! Talk to someone and unleash the burden you carry. Once you do, it won't make everything better as though nothing happened but I hope and pray it will give you the support you need in that person you felt so strongly enough to share your burden with!

It's a lot this disease and many people don't know what we go through but I do--Others do and More Will! This is my Cross to bare and as I open up my life, heart, fears, and circumstances--I hope it will help those that are learning about this disease to understand us more, to Help us more!

Thanks for listening or shall I say reading! I hope what I've shared helps some of you. If anyone wants to just talk then leave me a message in the comments below or by going to my Facebook Page by clicking on the Facebook badge at the top right corner of this page!

(1) PICC line definition provided by: http://picclinenursing.com/picc_why.html