In My Weakness I Found Strength

You know every day this summer I got up and felt alone. I had no one there with me. At those moments where your thoughts and mind go--u know?  I'm in my room thinking and wondering when will this all end? Will this end? I did this transplant because God told me to & I hoped that with this would be the cure. Never did I think that the transplant process was not for my disease but for my self.

I put all my hopes, prayers, and will into this transplant being a success and curing me but in the midst of it all I've found that the transplant has cured me but not of my disease but of my self. I've always been such a driven person and used my situations as my push or start ups to life's challenges. How could I have forgotten that the biggest challenge of all was to be my inner will. For so long I have relied on people, friends, family to be my launching point but God has been teaching me over and over again with it all going over my head until now. My launching point needs to be God. And needs to be me. In the end when things are at its finest of times and hardest of times family won't be there nor will my friends but my Savior--Eloi (will be there) and I alone will be there.

All my life all I've wanted was to feel wanted, loved, appreciated like anyone else would but all my life God has put me in situations where I've felt unloved, unappreciated,or unwanted. Why? I guess you can ask God that but if you ask me then its because God wants my character, my core, my everything to be nothing but humbled. Having this disease and living with the pains that it presents is the hardest. I've been learning and continue to learn that God definitely has a plan for me, a plan to prosper me and not to harm me but to give me a sense of direction and drive that will get me through life, it's challenges and the surprises that come on its way. I can no longer rely on friends or family to be my point of direction. God is teaching me that He alone is my point of direction and that as life goes on family and friends may disappoint me but Never will My God disappoint me. He is my ROCK & my everlasting strength so No, this transplant was not a bone marrow transplant but God's ways of spiritually transplanting my fears and concerns with his spirit of peace and serenity.

You know going through this transplant process has been so much more than an eye opener. It has opened up my life and the people in it. I've learned that some people are there for a season and others for the long haul. Though I wish those that were here for the season were here for the long haul I am truly grateful for the time that God has put you in my life. I pray that another season comes and that when it does we'll both be in a place where we can maybe be there for one another for the long haul.

My strength comes at the time of my life when no one else is there to help--it's just God & me and we lock arm in arm and walk right through whatever the challenges that present itself.

I've learned that though I do need friends and family by my side I can survive without them. If they can survive without me then I can survive without them and our lives can move on as it is destined to. Though I wish we could survive together. I've learned that survival means you need to live your life. So go and live the Life that God has called you to. Whatever the needs and desires God will provide--just trust in him and it will be okay--but in every single weakness look long and hard because there lies the strength you never thought existed.